Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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