I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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