My friends, they love my intelligence
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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