Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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