Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
