my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
