there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
