She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
