im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
