i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
