puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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