A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am puke
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
