..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
