i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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