It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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