It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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