put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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