i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
