my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
