This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
