Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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