dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize