i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
