Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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