Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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