Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
