She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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