I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
