my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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