My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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