he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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