Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
