Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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