I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
