sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
