my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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