I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
