yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
