Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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