Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
