one two three fourrrrnication!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
