I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize