so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
