Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
