The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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