he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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