you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize