The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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