Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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