Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
