I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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