I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I understand Curling. That high.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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