I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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