I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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