I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dear god my vagina.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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